While many people believe that the hardest thing about college is the workload/college application process, I would have to disagree strongly. It’s no secret that I use sarcasm to cover up my insecurities. I think what people who don’t know me don’t realize is, the mean/bitchy sarcastic attitude is more of a wall than anything. If you break through my wall I am nothing but protective and loyal (sometimes maternally). It’s the breaking-through process, though. My family always says I am too sensitive to be a part of said family, and in a way it’s true. I cry when I step on a bug; I refuse to ‘let things go,’ and I am not by any means thick-skinned. Lord knows who I got that from, though, considering the rest of the family is good at not taking things too seriously. I am, however, a fixer (as my mama says). I want to fix everyone and everything I come into contact with, even if it means sacrificing my own goals and happiness. Couple this with the fact that I have a knack for being stubborn, passionate, honest to a fault, argumentative, and hot-headed, and you don’t get a very swell combination. Now that you kind of have a sense of background information, this post will probably make more sense.
College was supposed to be the place where I wasn’t known as the weirdo or the loud obnoxious girl. No, I am not throwing myself a pity party – I am pretty strange and rather loud (that runs in the family too). But one of my good friends told me to just be me, whether everyone likes it or not; being someone I’m not isn’t being truthful to who I am. So I am me. I go up to people and tell them weird facts to become friends with them (did you know James Buchanan was the first president that coined the term ‘first lady’, and it was used to describe his niece not a wife-first bachelor president, first one suspected to be gay as well). ANYWAY, I’m also a little much to handle. I make strange noises *pew pew,* I sing loudly and not particularly well, and I am sarcastic. I’m very lucky that I have a roommate who thinks my strange self is kinda cool to be around, but not everyone thinks that way. So far I have been called a frigid bitch, ugly, the ‘meanest person in this building,’ heartless, ‘not a white girl because I hate everyone and everything,’ and much more. Most of the time I can shrug these things off and laugh, or agree, or even make a sassy comeback, but it’s kind of gotten to the point where I am paralyzed. I can’t reply. My mind is blank. And soon enough my tear ducts are threatening to spill over. People can be mean. Humans aren’t a very pleasant species. We are in fact the only species that starts war for sheer gain. James Anthony Froude said, “Wild animals never kill for sport. Man is the only one to whom the torture and death of his fellow creatures is amusing in itself.”
College has been fun, I really enjoy my classes (even though astronomy wants to swallow me whole, and my FYS is…well…we won’t get into that tonight), I have good friends (s/o Carissa and Chelsea *hey hey girrllll,* I can just imagine Chelsea judging me for that comment), and I am not too homesick. My mom always tells me, “Remember who you are, where you come from, and what you represent.” And that quote alone has gotten me through these rough couple of days.
I know I use my sarcasm to cover up how I feel,
I know I come from a loving family that supports me no matter what,
and I know I represent the insecure people out there who are too scared to be themselves.
Life isn’t easy. It isn’t all about cupcakes, cute boys (though there are certainly quite a few of those), being pretty, being popular, and being successful. It takes time and energy. You have to go through some construction before you find the right road to turn off on. So I know that I am going to have people who don’t like me. And I am going to have to learn to be okay with that. Because the people who don’t judge me for my social defense mechanisms (thanks Libs) are the ones worth keeping around. If you have people that don’t like you, take a look at yourself. Is it something you can control? I know I can tone down my sassy remarks, but at the same time that’s what makes me who I am. The important thing to remember is that there will be people who love you and support you regardless of how you act. Hell, it can be one person. It can be your mum!!! As long as you have someone to give you the motivation to just keep going. Right now, I can hear about 20 people I know whispering in my head saying, ‘Maria, don’t let people get the best of you! There is nothing wrong with you.’ And if you don’t have that kind of person email Carissa or me. We aren’t here to judge you or ridicule you; we want people to know what college will bring them.
People aren’t always nice *shocker*
but most people are.